


What Advice?

by Howlingdawn



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Humor, that's it tbh, this is just the boys being petty and ridiculous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:33:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25154014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Howlingdawn/pseuds/Howlingdawn
Summary: Jim visits Spock for dating advice. Bones is offended. Spock gets petty. Shenanigans ensue, but advice certainly doesn't.
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy, James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy & Spock, James T. Kirk & Spock, Leonard "Bones" McCoy & Spock
Comments: 4
Kudos: 33





	What Advice?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RobinsonsWereHere](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RobinsonsWereHere/gifts).



> This was supposed to be about how HOPELESS these three would be at dating advice, but it just turned into them being petty, and I regret nothing

_This is a terrible idea._

Jim hovered outside Spock’s quarters, wringing his hands together. _There has to be a better person to ask about this._

_Oh, just do it. As long as Bones never finds out, you’re fine. What’s the worst that could happen?_

He hit the door chime before he could rethink it.

“Come in.”

He entered the very warm room, spotting Spock contemplating a half-finished game of _kal-toh_. He barely spared Jim a glance before refocusing on the jumble of rods before him. “Is there a problem, Captain?”

“Uh, no, no problem,” he said, crossing his arms to stop his fidgeting hands. “Just, um… I have a question.”

Spock tilted his head, a silent invitation to ask away as he carefully picked up one of the rods. “I, uh… I was wondering…” He licked his lips, taking a breath and forcing the question out in a single breath. “How’d you ask Uhura out?”

Spock’s eyebrow rose, his attention successfully diverted from his game.

At the same exact moment someone stepped out of the bathroom. “What are you doing here, Jim?”

_Crap._

“Nothing,” Jim answered quickly – too quickly. He winced. “I was just bored.”

“Mhm. Sure,” Bones said skeptically, taking a seat across the table from Spock – his seat, Jim realized, far too belatedly noticing the mint julep sitting beside the game. “Have you seriously not gone yet?”

“I was calculating my next move when Jim arrived.”

Bones propped his feet up on the corner of the desk, ignoring the further incremental rise of Spock’s eyebrow, and sipped his drink. “A likely excuse. You just can’t figure out how I’m beating you.”

Spock pursed his lips. “You are not winning.”

“Vulcans aren’t supposed to lie, Spock.”

“I-”

“Wait,” Jim cut in, moving closer to inspect the game. “ _Bones_ is winning?”

“Your surprise wounds me.”

“For now.”

Bones pointed his drink triumphantly at Spock. “Aha! You admit it!”

Spock opened his mouth, realized he was caught, and swiftly changed the subject. “You had a question, Jim.”

Jim glared at the Vulcan. _You pointy-eared little traitor._

Spock looked him in the eye, utterly unrepentant.

“Yes, Jim,” Bones said, setting his drink down and clasping his hands in his lap. “Do tell.”

“I…”

He fumbled, searching for a lie, anything to cover the real question, but his considerable talent for bullshittery failed him at precisely the wrong moment. His shoulders slumped, and he gave in, admitting in a mumble, “I came here for advice on asking Carol out.”

Bones blinked.

Even knowing he was no longer Bones’s target, Spock scooted his chair back slightly. Jim took a significantly larger step back, glancing at the door, wondering if it was too late to flee.

“Let me get this straight,” Bones said slowly. “You came here. To the Vulcan. For dating advice. Without even considering asking me first.”

“I considered you,” Jim told him.

And immediately regretted it.

“So you _considered_ asking me, but _instead_ came here – to the _Vulcan_ – for _dating advice_?”

_I’m gonna be stabbed with so many hypos in the next few months._ “…Yes.”

Very deliberately, Bones set his drink down. Uncrossed his legs. Stood. Smoothed his shirt down. Closed the meager distance between them.

And smacked Jim upside the head. “You came to the _Vulcan_ for dating advice before your _best friend_?” he burst out.

Jim rubbed his head. “My best friend is _divorced_.”

Spock furrowed his brows. “Am I not your best friend?”

Bones waved his hand, turning away and shaking his head. “Great, you hurt the Vulcan’s feelings.”

“I did not!” Jim shot back. “He stabbed me in the back first!”

“I did no such thing.”

“Oh, really?” Jim scoffed. “You knew exactly what question I asked, and why I wouldn’t want him to know, and you went and told him anyway at the _first_ sign of trouble.”

“It was merely a tactical delay.”

“Don’t think you’re getting out of that game,” Bones told him. “But that’s not the big issue right now.”

“Agreed,” Spock said.

“You know, Spock, you’re supposed to _support_ your captain.”

“We are not on duty. I have no such obligation at the moment to someone who is, apparently, not my best friend.”

“I can have two best friends!” Jim exclaimed.

Spock steepled his hands together, pointedly looking at the game rather than Jim. “Not according to my mother.”

Jim’s jaw dropped, knowing full well he couldn’t say a damn thing that would so much as imply he was questioning her. “You devious f-”

“Enough,” Bones interrupted, and Jim _swore_ he saw a smirk tug at the corner of Spock’s mouth. “Deal with the offended Vulcan later. Right now, it’s _my_ turn.”

Very much alone, very much on the defensive, and very much hating every second of it, Jim tried to explain himself. “Look, Bones, you ended up in a divorce so nasty you decided to flee the entire _planet_. Spock, on the other hand, has been in a committed relationship for years with a woman none of my best efforts could seduce for three years. Clearly, the guy knows something we don’t.”

“Or Nyota simply has standards,” Spock pointed out.

“ _Not_ helping.”

“It was not intended to.”

“Next time we have to explore a cave, Spock, I am sending you down a tunnel so filthy that when you come out, Uhura won’t want to kiss you for a week.”

Spock narrowed his eyes.

“All right, then,” Bones challenged, crossing his arms. “If you think Spock will be a font of brilliant dating advice, then by all means, let’s hear his dating advice.”

“Why the hell would I take dating advice from either of you after this mess?”

“Because I say so.” Bones nodded at Spock. “Ask the question.”

_If something wants to catch us in a time loop or whatever so I can forget this day ever happened, now would be a_ great _time to do it._

But alas, no cosmic force came to save him. He wouldn’t be surprised if Bones was keeping their little piece of the galaxy calm and quiet out of pure spite-fueled willpower.

Through gritted teeth, he asked, “Spock, how did you ask Uhura out?”

Spock took a long moment to gather himself, drawing himself up imperiously, settling his steepled hands deliberately on the desk. Finally, he deigned to look Jim in the eye, and though he managed to keep his expression under control this time, malicious glee positively glowed in his tone as he answered, “I did not.”

Jim stared. “You… what?”

“She invited me on our first date when the semester ended, thus initiating our courtship.” He lifted his chin, somehow managing to look down on Jim even though Jim was standing and he was sitting. “Surely you did not think her the type to wait for the man to make the first move? Particularly when that man is a Vulcan who more than likely would never take such a chance with someone who was recently his student.”

“You mean… all of this was for _nothing_?”

At the utter despair in Jim’s voice, Bones burst out laughing.

_I hate today. I really, really,_ really _hate today._

Bones kept laughing, so hard Jim was sure he would end up passing out.

Until Spock, never breaking eye contact with Jim, finally made his move, and the _kal-toh_ game rippled, its appearance shifting from half-finished to fully formed. “I win, Doctor.”

Bones shut up immediately, shooting upright to stare in horror at the game. “But I- I _had you_ -”

“The day I lose a game of _kal-toh_ to any human save Nyota,” Spock said, rising to his feet, “is a day as unlikely as myself becoming the only single person in this room. Speaking of which, I am due for a date. Good evening, gentlemen.”

With that, he swept out of the room, all sense of triumph trailing out in his wake.

“That green-blooded _bastard_ ,” Bones muttered. “One day, I’m gonna annihilate him at _kal-toh_.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Is that any way to treat the only person left to give you dating advice?”

Jim looked at him. “We both know you don’t have any.”

“Nope,” he agreed, _far_ too cheerfully. “Jocelyn asked me out first too.”

Jim pinched the bridge of his nose. “I can have Scotty program the replicators to cut off your alcohol. You know that, right?”

Bones clapped him on the shoulder, finishing off his mint julep before abandoning the glass for Spock to clean up later. “Like I would _ever_ drink that replicated synthehol crap. Now, I have to go figure out a reason to… medicate… the two of you tomorrow. Good luck with the date,” he tossed over his shoulder as he walked out, with not an ounce of sincerity to be heard.

Leaving Jim to retreat to his quarters alone, settling at his desk to figure out whatever absolutely disgusting duties he could assign them to in the coming weeks.


End file.
